Turtles are the worst pets.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my turtle- a now one-year old red eared slider by the name of Tosh. I had two turtles at first- Mac and Tosh. (Get it? Eh?). Mac had died from unknown causes early on, leaving me to look like a huge fan of Daniel Tosh.

But man, turtles are the lowest common denominator when it comes to pet owners. Yeah, you can’t play with them- just like fish- but at least fish look graceful as they swim around their tank. Turtles look like fat children with floaties struggling through the water as they keep swimming around. Tosh must be special or something, because he keeps trying to swim against the edges and never stop.

You can’t curl up with a turtle. You can’t pet them. The most you do is watch them as they relax on their artificial rocks. Tosh relaxes there until i make a sudden movement in my room before he dives into the water and tries to swim away from me, to no avail.

Yesterday, I woke up to watch him struggle to get onto his rock- falling backwards into the water, float to the bottom of the tank, and try again- for a good five minutes. He’s been able to do this before, but this morning, he just couldn’t figure out how he could do it. Which was strange, because this turtle has been able to escape. Totally serious- I’d work at my computer, only to turn my head to see him with his head up in the air, tipping his body over the side of the shell to fall out of it. He did so four times in a row, more than often finding him on the opposite side of my room.

They’re not the smartest things, but that goes without saying.

Walking into a pet store to get a new filter or turtle food always makes me feel like the lowest of the food chain of pet owners. People walking around with their dogs, getting cat food- I’m almost jealous of them as I have to remind myself over and over to clean his tank out again, or risk getting salmonella.

But watching that awkward little shit (that’s my sister’s nickname for Tosh) can be almost calming. And knowing that the lifespan of red eared turtles can almost go to 40 (yes, forty) years was at first an annoying fact (cursing my friend for giving me a pet i’d have to take care of past my mid life crisis), it became a reassuring figure, knowing I’d have a constant in my ever changing life, wherever that might lead.

So thank you Tosh, you little shit.

Tosh the Turtle